“What do you mean – constellations help us to take a systemic perspective?” asked a client I was working with for the first time. She wanted to have a better relationship with her grown-up son. He was 30, and whenever they met, there was a tense atmosphere, and they could easily get into conflicts. The mother suffered from this tense relationship and came to me to see what she could do about it.
When I work in a 1:1 session, only with the client and not in a group setting, I first ask the client what her intention is for the coaching session. How will she recognize that it was really worth working on the topic, and what she would like to be different afterward? My client could describe very clearly how a good relationship with her son would look: open conversations, more contact, and fewer conflicts. As a second step, we looked at the relevant elements of the system. In this case, it was, of course, herself and her son. But also the father of the son was part of that system. At first, my client was surprised because she had been divorced for many years and had not had any contact with her ex-husband for several years.
The father remains the father and is part of the system, even if there has been no contact for a long time.
When I work in an individual session, I use papers as anchors to represent the place of the different elements. So, I asked my client to first find a place for herself and put down the paper that represents her. Then she placed the paper that represented her son. Both elements (mother and son) were positioned opposite one another, approximately 3 meters apart and facing each other. Then I asked her where she perceives the father of her son to be, and she placed him right in front of the son, between herself and him.
When she stepped aside and looked at the system, she said, “Now I understand! I always project the conflicts I had with my ex-husband onto my son. I was not aware of this.” I asked her to go to her position and look at her son, and she realized she couldn’t even see him because the father was in between. “Yes, that’s exactly how it is!” she said. “And how would you like it to be?” I asked her while she was standing in the constellation. “I would like to be able to see my son.”
When I am working in an individual constellation, I use my hand to represent the other elements in the system. So, I moved the father a bit aside so she could see her son, and I represented the son with my other hand. I saw how my client was deeply touched when she looked at her son. “Now I can see you! I see who you really are!” she said, and tears welled up.
As human beings, we have this incredible ability of representative perception. We can put ourselves in other people’s shoes. We use this ability in constellations, and I asked my client to stand in the position of her son and look at his mother (my client). When she was standing in the son’s place and representing him, I asked her, “How would you recognize that your mother really sees you?” Without hesitation, she answered, “She would listen to me without judgment.”
This was a beautiful piece of advice she could give herself. It is so simple and true. We all know that for real human connection and open communication, we need to listen without judgment. And it is not easy. When the advice comes from the deep wisdom inside us, we are more able to listen to it. Coaching can help us hear and listen more to this inner voice of wisdom. My client was able to listen to the advice she gave herself, and when I met her a couple of weeks later, she told me how her relationship with her son had improved. They still had different points of view, but they had open discussions and a respectful, heartfelt relationship.
Coaching can help us hear and listen more to our inner voice of wisdom
